We live in a world where everything is a whole lot harsher than we would like to believe. If we say otherwise then I believe we’re just trying to fool ourself, the world is cruel. This is what being realistic is, to know and to face the world just as it is but… I guess there are some times where being positive is needed as well but it’s just stupid, is there a point? Temporary happiness. When you bring yourself up there and one day you’ll fall…it’d hurt so much more than to those who kept themselves down below, even if they fall, it won’t hurt much.
I made a mistake. The past few months I’ve done nothing but raise my expectations and dance around cloud nine. That’s the stupidest thing I could have done. That ruined almost everything and being on cloud nine feels like an excuse to me to just let go of myself, which is again, stupid.
I fooled myself into thinking everything is going to be okay as long as I am happy and look where that got me. I feel like my body is going to explode. I feel used. I have shown too much of my real self. I became a burden to people. I let myself go academically, and…what’s the whole point of it?
It’s like I’m in an air-baloon and I have all these excess baggage, one is called reality, one is labeled education, one is about sanity, and I turn stupid. I threw all of them out of the air-baloon just so I can fly higher and feel what is up there, to be happy up in the air. It is a good thing, but who knew I was going to face a terrible storm up there? Then like it or not since I was way up high without any way out, I got into the storm.
Struggling, all alone, I was hurting from the storm but all of it was because of me. There wasn’t anyone to blame for my stupidity. Then finally my air-baloon got destroyed in the storm and I fell from thousands of feet above and fell into the cold hard ground…
Today I felt nothing but growing depression. I woke up with a terrible terrible tense body. I was almost crying due to the fact that I had a disturbing dream that my dad died. I shook it off but then I checked my phone and my friend texted me and said that one of my friend’s dad…actually died.
So much for a good morning.
After that I couldn’t shake the nagging feeling in my heart. I kept thinking something- anything is bound to get wrong today. Something terrible will happen today, and if you have never experienced something like this…it is probably one of the worst feelings in the world because it drains your positivity…your energy, your reason to go on with the day.
Then as I got to class- not just any class, one of my favorite class this semester, I got my mid exam results back and turns out I failed. It was really that bad and I felt devastated. That feeling when you fail in your favorite class.
I couldn’t even look at myself. I felt stupid. I am stupid. I looked at all the times I have wasted not studying, doing all of the stuff that are not important, all the time I have wasted focusing on other stuff.
Then it was… it is another horrible feeling and that is the feeling of rejection. Of being…avoided. That feeling when you know the person you are fond of…are trying their best to avoid you, that you annoy them.
That broke me down.
For some reason I couldn’t concentrate the whole day. My heart and brain were both telling me the same thing for the first time ever…’something is bound to go wrong today, you’re going to break down again’
And so that feeling bothered me until I finally got into my car. I honestly thought of nothing but the feeling of loneliness…of…being so unloved…of being such a failure, of how I don’t have anyone that cares for me.
I am fine with that…I usually am but for some reason today…it nags me to the point where I broke down and cried in my car hysterically.
I don’t know what happened, I just couldn’t handle it.
I have no idea exactly why I’m sad but…I’m sad, and I need to cry. I let it all out and I was honked on a lot by cars behind me. I created traffic, I came close to getting ran over by trucks and busses. I almost crash with anything that came close to me and I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t put my thought together.
I wanted to call out just anyone but I know the aftermath. More rejection and I wouldn’t be left with any friends. So I kept it to myself and dramatically speaking, I have no idea how many times I’ve almost caused accidents on the road. I cried so hard it was just stupid.
Right now I’m having what I would claim as closure…I need to have one with myself and my unstable mind.
I wish I’d have the strength to keep it together, to not cause any trouble to anyone. It’s time to move on with life. Even though I’m not ready, I just have to. I can’t linger on with this stupid…sadness of mine.
Stop the Gandhi-ness.
Just when I think things can’t get worse.
You know what I find quite horrifying? This. The fact that I think the history is to repeat itself…but then again I do think too much.
There are only patterns, patterns on top of patterns, patterns that affect other patterns. Patterns hidden by patterns. Patterns within patterns.
If you watch close, history does nothing but repeat itself.
Chuck Palahniuk, Survivor.
I’ve got another headache tonight. You know I came across a quote that did say, when you don’t learn from your past you’re condemned to repeat it. That got me wondering, so what does this mean? I haven’t learn from my past? Is that what the universe is trying to tell me?
I do admit to my guilty pleasure of astrology and all the crazy batshit nonsense. I read the horoscope every single day, not just my star sign though but also everyone else’s who I have to interact with everyday just so I can get a hint of what’s going on in their life.
Yeah it’s creepy but I find it helpful. I’m never good at keeping friendships or interpreting things and I find with the help of the crazily accurate horoscope that I can be better at those things. I can socialise with just about anyone and I will be at my best without insulting any of them or annoy any of them. Though the last part about the annoy thing probably still happen quite often.
Either way, when you don’t learn from your past you’re condemned to repeat it. So as I sat in the traffic yesterday, I had little flashes of my past, all the things that had happened to me. What happened with my ex in the past and what happened with the guys that have walked all over me it keeps happening all over again and so I started to think. What is the universe trying to tell me? That I didn’t learn anything from my past? Is that why I’m condemned to repeat it?
I need closure now, and I need to have one with myself and the past. As stupidly dramatic this sounds, it’s actually just about the wisest thing I can do. I’ve had a shit day. All the heart breaking moments I went through? I don’t want to go through that ever again. I might move on and I might have pretend what has happened never happened just for the sake of some peace and starting over but I will never forget what it felt like, to be hurt. I will never forget what kind of person you truly are and what you did to me.
Doesn’t that mean I have learned? If I have learned then why am I repeating history? Why am I letting another guy into my life to just walk all over me?
Why do I want to go through another drama that sounds exactly just like how he had played out for me in the past? Why am I so okay with the fact that I’m holding onto an invisible rope?
I think this might be it for us.
So yeah, I admit it, I might like someone- I do like someone but so many things keep happening that I believed that I’m letting go but in reality I’m not, I’m still holding onto whatever I have left. From all the weirdest thing he does to his ability to talk and be listened to. I am a fucking idiot.
I know what I’m putting myself into, I’m jumping into a hole and expect myself to just magically get out and be okay. We all know what’s going to happen. It’s not going to be like that and it sucks, I’m in way too deep and I am fat so it’ll be hard to climb up.
My head is spinning.
I really just don’t know how I’m supposed to have closure with myself and the past. I mean I do…I’m just supposed to talk about it butit’s a whole lot harder than it seems.
I guess why I’m freaking out right now is mostly because I’m starting to see similarities from my past happening now. If the history is repeating itself then I’m not ready for the same heartache and depression. Just when I think the storm’s over, turns out I’m just about to pass another one.
Do I really want to go through another false hope? Do I really want to write another closure about Omission and betrayal? I am so done with that crap. Do I really want to have another little black book? No.
I know exactly I mean nothing to him, I know exactly I’m not special and yet. Why do I like lying to myself? Why is the truth so horrible that I do end up lying to myself just to make everything better?
It’s not exactly his fault that he is who he is. It’s my fault that I have hopes. It’s my fault that the whole time I lied to myself and made myself believe the bittersweet lie rather than the obvious cold hard truth.
I could have just given up that day and yet here I am today, writing this.
Ignorance is truly a bliss.
I’m lucky that I’ll be in Paris. I think that’s exactly what I need. Even though I don’t want to and even though I’m trying my best to fail my documents and procrastinate everything, deep down I really want myself to go. Being there for 6 months would really clear my head. I would really challenge myself to not be dependent on anyone. Not on my mom, not on my friends, not on him, not on anyone.
My head is really spinning.
I’m tired and if really what’s going to happen next is just another heartbreak, I think I’ll just back off. I don’t expect you to just magically show up in front of my doorstep and serenade me, god no, but I do want you to at least show me that there is anything to hold on to. That there’s a reason for me to keep trying because so far, I think you only care when it’s convenient for you.
You would only be there when it’s convenient, when the timing is right for you when you don’t have to try hard whereas I do the exact opposite.
What the fuck is wrong with me? That sentence. What more can I possibly need? How much more obvious can the situation be?
I think I maybe think too much.
I am so confused and my head is spinning but it’s getting tiring. To hope that I mean something more because in reality I mean nothing. You deserve someone better, someone you can be proud of, someone you won’t be embarrassed of and someone who can tell you exactly how she feels, stand up to you and tell you when she’s had it because I don’t think I can be that girl.
I on the other hand deserve a sappy lad who will break the cycle, who will not cause the history to repeat itself. I hope that that was you.
So far I had believed that you’re the guy I can do random driving with.
Who I can shut up with and just say nothing with.
Who I can surprise with hug and kiss whenever I want to.
Who I can adventure with.
Who I can hold hands with.
Who I can do stupid things with.
Who I can watch old childish movies with.
Who I can exchange cute words with.
Who I can talk philosophy with while getting high.
but maybe you’re not up for that so who am I to force?
I think I’ve had enough of this. Blow me one last kiss.